This column may contain strong language, sexual content, adult humor, and other themes that may not be suitable for minors. Parental guidance is strongly advised.
Has anyone noticed how singularly unattractive all these MAGA (Make America Great Again) acolytes are? Male or female, these rabid rallying Trump supporters seem to have very little by way of physical attributes that would make them appealing date prospects.
Sartorially, they have zero fashion sense, especially seeing as they think wearing a MAGA cap is the height of style. Intellectually, we already know they are pretty dim. I mean, “Space ISIS”? And they’re dumb enough to think that the caravan of migrants escaping poverty and gang violence in Honduras is making its way towards their homes so that they can lounge about their gardens and jump into their pools.
As Seth Meyers said in a recent episode of Late Night with Seth Myers, one lady actually voiced the fear that “the poor Hondurans are going to walk all the way up the length of Mexico, somehow get past ICE and the Border Patrol then walk another 1,800 miles to live on a lake in Minnesota in the winter?
“You know, in the back of those MAGA hats, there’s a little thing where you can loosen it and restore the blood flow,” he added.
It’s actually stupefying how stupid people allow themselves to be. Unless you are really stupid. And you’d have to be abysmally stupid to let a conman like Donald Trump, who has an unsavory history of fleecing people, what with his fake universities, substandard wines, cheap ties and so-so steaks, convince you to vote for him and believe he cares for you and will make you as rich as he claims to be.
Besides, they must know their dateability is severely limited to a small pool if they have to resort to niche dating sites purposely made for Trump supporters. And, I would imagine, nationalists, i.e., racists. Fun date that would be anyway: you both show up in your MAGA hats, b*tch about those snowflake libtards over beer, admire your respective gun collections, have grunting “f*ck those socialist liberals” sex against the backdrop of a Confederate flag.
(The same goes for any blind supporter for any dictatorial leader. Nope, not sexy. Neither leader nor follower.)
Here’s what really makes the MAGA-hatted crowd so unattractive. It’s not the bad haircuts, or the comical ‘staches, or the sleeveless belly-hugging shirts, or the van plastered with pre-Trump images and anti-Democrat slogans, or the flag of defeat that they so proudly wave. It’s actually the anger, that all-consuming anger and hatred that blind them to reason and hardens them against empathy. Yes, of course, there are legitimate reasons for their anger—enough longform articles and books have been written about their grievances—but their anger is also very clearly powered by fear. Fear that brown-skinned immigrants will steal their jobs and their benefits, fear that their own ignorance and lack of curiosity about the world at large will be railroaded by multiculturalism and globalism, fear that their white privilege will soon be completely eroded by smarter, better-educated, harder-working, non-science-denying, more rational, more adaptable people who may just happen to be black or brown or yellow or gay or transgender.
There’s also the fear of never getting laid again—or ever, if you look at all those mass murderers pumping bullets into schools and churches and nightclubs, who are almost always white, unattractive and angry of, well, not getting laid.
Dudes, seriously, stop the hate, learn to love. Playing the victim is so unsexy. Letting yourself get all apoplectic with racist rage all the time makes you a loser. And that Confederate flag tells me you’re not very bright. Blindly worshipping at the altar of Trump tells me there’s a void in your soul. And all those guns? Clearly compensation for a limp, small d*ck.
Those who don’t have guns, make pipe bombs and send them to a former president, a former vice-president, a former Secretary of State, former intelligence officials, a philanthropist supporter of the Democratic party, an actor, a news organization and current members of the House—as far as we know—all people who have been critical of their dear leader Trump. And whom Trump has exhorted them to attack. Like that Trump-loving, liberal-hating MAGA-hat-wearing Cesar Sayoc, Jr. What a poster boy for all that is attractive in a man.
And you Beckys who keep calling cops on black people going about their daily lives, sorry, but you ugly, too. I mean, really? Accusing a nine-year-old kid of sexual assault when all that happened was his backpack brushed against you in a bodega in Brooklyn? What were you thinking? Are you so unhappy with your life that you would mistake something so random and accidental for your ass being groped by a boy whom you subsequently traumatized by calling the cops on him? Get f*cking laid, lady, and maybe you’ll learn to leave innocent kids alone. Bet you wouldn’t have said anything if the kid had been white.
And that goes for you awful white Pattys who confront minorities in public spaces and berate them for not speaking English. Get the f*ck off your racist high horse. Why are you so threatened by people who don’t speak English in your presence? How many languages do YOU speak? The ability to process, understand and communicate in different languages can improve cognitive functions and have positive effects on one’s health.
As an article in The Guardian pointed out, “Multilingualism has been shown to have many social, psychological and lifestyle advantages. Moreover, researchers are finding a swath of health benefits from speaking more than one language, including faster stroke recovery and delayed onset of dementia.”
In many nations, in fact, it is customary to speak more than one language. “Around the world, more than half of people—estimates vary from 60 to 75 percent—speak at least two languages. Many countries have more than one official national language—South Africa has 11. People are increasingly expected to speak, read, and write at least one of a handful of ‘super’ languages, such as English, Chinese, Hindi, Spanish or Arabic, as well. So to be monolingual, as many native English speakers are, is to be in the minority and perhaps to be missing out.”
They’re also probably missing out on sex, too. I’d bet that speaking more than one language increases your chances of getting laid.
B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.
For comments and questions, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Art by Marian Hukom
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