This column may contain strong language, sexual content, adult humor, and other themes that may not be suitable for minors. Parental guidance is strongly advised.
As lovers all over the world prepare for the manufactured commercial extravaganza that is Valentine’s Day―booking restaurants serving elaborate and overpriced aphrodisiac-laden feasts for two, sending floral arrangements featuring red Ecuadorian roses with jacked up prices, and sealing their love with Hallmark cards and syrupy texts. Surely the day’s festivities are but part of a seduction ritual, a precursor to the anticipated bedroom activities at the end of the night.
That is, of course, if you don’t overdo the carbs, the spices, and the alcohol to the point of being unable to perform. It may be wise to steer clear of beans, burritos, onion rings, and chicken curry, for obvious reasons.
So let’s say you end up in bed and are feeling adventurous, ready to bust out a new move that may involve some complicated gymnastics, but promises a seriously happy, if breathless, ending. Or perhaps you feel that you and your love are in for an epic night and contemplate going through all the positions set forth in the Kama Sutra. Part of this stems from a desire to prove you are not a boring lover, which in turn stems from a fear that you may not be having the best sex ever. And Lord knows “women’s” magazines have been telling us forever that we deserve better in all things, including sex, and then proceeding to suggest a plethora of sexual positions to try in order to spice up your sex life.
As an article in The Cut pointed out: “From the Kama Sutra to Cosmo, thousands of guides have been created to mitigate that fear and ostensibly help the reader become better in bed. Today, these guides take the form of articles featuring a veritable encyclopedia of sex positions, with names like the ‘Butterfly,’ the ‘Wheelbarrow,’ and the ‘Erotic Accordion,’ the latter of which blatantly ignores the innately erotic nature of the accordion.”
However fertile your mind may be in dreaming up new sexual permutations “there is not an endless number of ways to get it on. There is no Isaac Newton of f*cking who’s suddenly going to emerge from his laboratory with a drawing of two stick figures doing it in a previously undiscovered way that will cause an orgasm that rips a hole in the space-time continuum. No, when it comes to heterosexual penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, there is only a handful of actual positions that everyone uses regularly.”
The article proceeds to enumerate a mere six of them, including the missionary. Everything else is just a variation of the basic six:
Missionary, considered the vanilla of sexual positions, has the couple facing each other, lying down, with the man on top.
Cowgirl features the woman on top, facing the man, while Reverse Cowgirl (cue T-Pain’s immortal words: We gonna go left, right, front, back / That just ain’t enough / I can take you everywhere / All around the world / I like how you do it / Just put it in reverse cowgirl) has the woman on top but facing away from the man.
Doggy-style, as everyone knows, involves the man once again on top, entering the woman from behind, with both either crouched on all fours or lying down on their tummies.
While resembling Doggy-style, Spooning deserves to be a position on its own because I suppose dogs don’t actually do it lying on their sides, which is how the man and woman are positioned when the man enters her from behind.
Finally, there’s Standing, which could be considered an upright form of Missionary, except that the position does have an impulsive “let’s get it on now, I can’t be bothered to wait till we’re in bed” feel to it, as opposed to the much lampooned sex as duty, lie back and think of England quality of missionary lovemaking. Standing perhaps also demands more core strength to execute successfully than the other positions.
Of course, living as we do in a culture of excess, even when it comes to sex, the idea of penetrative lovemaking positions being limited to just six basic ones, with everything else being merely derivative, is a slap in the face of human creativity. That fount of sexual wisdom, Cosmopolitan, proposes 12 – yes 12 – “advanced” positions, with names that sound like cocktails rather than sex moves. Among them are “V for Vixen,” “Backstairs Bugaloo,” “Bootyful View,” “The Head Game,”and “The X-Rated.” They come complete with “Carnal Challenge” ratings – gymnastic difficulty levels, in other words. On closer inspection, however, they really are variations on the basic positions, with props included, such as washing machines, staircases, or tables. Take “V for Vixen” for example (Carnal Challenge rating: 5):
“Sit on a counter and have your man stand facing you. His legs should be slightly bent, spaced 3 feet apart. With your arms on his shoulders and his arms around your lower back, slowly pull your right leg up and prop your right foot on his left shoulder. Then pull your left leg up and prop your left foot on his right shoulder.”
Cosmo believes this position is a winner because “Most men are so inflexible, they think a knee bend is an Olympic feat, so he’ll worship you as a sex goddess.”
If a counter is too boring for you, try a staircase, in which case you would be aiming for the “Backstairs Bugaloo,” Carnal Challenge rating also 5:
“Kneel in front of your partner at the landing of a staircase. Both of you should be facing the stairs, and your bodies should mesh together tightly. While you reach up and hold on to each side of the banister for support (or to the stairs themselves), he should hold your hips while he penetrates you from behind.”
And this position is a winner according to Cosmo because “This mind-blowing pose lets your man use the incline of the staircase to enter you at a unique upward tilt, allowing him unlimited access to your G-spot. For more intense pressure, you can bear down on him so your butt meshes super snuggly with his groin—talk about a stairway to heaven!”
I know, I know. Some positions feel like they’re just too much work, hence the enduring appeal of the missionary. Or Netflix. Activities both best enjoyed in bed.
B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published earlier this year by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.
For comments and questions, email email@example.com.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Screenshot from Fifty Shades of Grey