Every generation devises its own shorthand, acronyms that years later may sound cringe-worthy and banal, but somehow perfectly capture the spirit of dating and relationships during a specific point in time. For instance, there once was such as thing as MU, which stood for “Mutual Understanding,” a nebulous relationship state in which boy and girl were understood to like each other without actually declaring their attachment to each other as BF (boyfriend) and GF (girlfriend), thus leaving the door open to either a deepening of affections, or the possibility that someone else may steal either party. In which case, it was best to protect against VD, or venereal disease, which was what such afflictions were called before they became known as STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases).
But love in the time of sext has ushered in a whole new dictionary. In today’s tech-assisted hook-up culture, the acronyms are succinct, and the words they stand for often aggressively direct, crass even. So much for romance. Courtship, it would seem, is an outdated notion; the end goal of the current shorthand language is to cut to the chase and bang somebody. Even the invitation “Netflix and chill?” is hardly as innocent as it sounds. Instead of an evening of watching movies on Netflix and hanging out together, it has become code for a late-night booty call.
And, every bangable person, even your grandmother if she’s hot enough, has a corresponding acronym. It all started with hot moms being referred to as a MILF–Mother I’d Like to Fuck. Next came the rest of the family: DILF is for Dad I’d Like to Fuck, while GILF is for Grandmother I’d Like to Fuck.
No one has been spared. BILF is for Babysitter I’d Like to Fuck; TILF is for Teacher I’d Like to Fuck. In university, it would be PILF–Professor I’d Like to Fuck. Geeks have their moment, too: NILF stands for Nerd I’d Like to Fuck. Because some people are very specific, there’s JILF, or Jew I’d Like to Fuck, and IILF, or Indian I’d Like to Fuck. And although thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife, thou doeth anyway: WILF is for Wife I’d Like to Fuck.
So if you’re dating, hooking up, Tinder-ing, Bumble-ing or even WhatsApp-ing and iMessage-ing your way through your sex life, it’s time to review your ABCs.
Some terms you need to come to terms with:
(Down To Fuck)
A fairly common opening line these days.
(Sex Without Strings)
Sometimes the best kind of sex.
(Define The Relationship)
So it’s been a while. Are you together-together, um, friends, the chick or dude on the side with a chance of an upgrade, or just FWB? If you need to know, then it’s time to have that conversation.
(Face To Face)
How you should preferably have that conversation, unless all you really have is a textationship.
Also known as…
In other words, fuck off!
Yeah, it’s a thing.
(Ass To Mouth)
Not the magic machine that dispenses cash. Rather, a hygienically questionable action that many men nevertheless enjoy. It involves you sucking his dick after it has just been deep inside your butt. Hardcore.
(I’m Posting Naked)
Make sure it’s on Snapchat.
B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published earlier this year by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.
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Art by Dorothy Guya