This column may contain strong language, sexual content, adult humor, and other themes that may not be suitable for minors. Parental guidance is strongly advised.
I think I’ve found THE ONE. I know I’ve said that before, but this time it’s for real. You know how people say “you just know”? Well, I do. I knew it from the moment we met. It was in his touch, his feel. I sensed it immediately. I sensed that he was someone I could trust. A man of his word. An honorable man.
Oh, Diary, he’s funny, he’s talented, he loves his people. What a guy this Kim Jong-Un is! Instantly we formed a great relationship. You know, I see a lot of myself in him. He’s a strong man. He believes in firmness, forcefulness. Like me, he doesn’t have any patience for weakness. Justin Trudeau? Gimme a break. He’d rip him to shreds. And anyway, who gives a f*ck about Justin? Meek and smiling in front of me at the G7 and then once I’m back on Air Force One, and that yoga-posing pretty boy stabs me in the back. Like I said during the press conference in Singapore, “I have a good relationship with Justin Trudeau. I really did. Other than he had a news conference that he had because he assumed I was in an airplane and I wasn’t watching. He learned. He learned that it’s going to cost a lot of money for the people of Canada. He learned. You can’t do that. You can’t do that. We left. We had a very good relationship. I have a good relationship with Justin.”
Not that I’m going to return Justin’s calls if he does call. Not that he’s called. But if he did, he’s going to learn. Oh boy, is he going to learn a really hard lesson. No one makes a fool of Donald Trump. No one. Too bad Michael Cohen is being investigated by the Feds, otherwise he’d fix Justin Trudeau good for me.
And Emmanuel Macron? Another backstabber in a well-fitting suit. Who thinks he can overpower with a handshake. Did you see what he said to Congress about me? The guy comes into this country as MY guest, he and his wife—who looks terrific by the way for a grandmother, I hope Melania got the name of her plastic surgeon—and then the day he leaves he disses me in front of all those spineless senators who applauded his every word???
What ever happened to loyalty? I tell you, you can’t trust anybody these days.
But Chairman Kim? We’re going to have a long and beautiful relationship. I can feel it in my bones. This is someone I could trust. I even made a film for him. In honor of our wonderful partnership. Just four minutes, but you should have seen it, it was a beautiful thing. I showed him how much more amazing this would be if he chose the path of peace alongside me. Him and me, I said, how about it? We could change the world. He could have casinos and condos in North Korea. I mean, those beaches, the ones where they blow the canons from, they’re beautiful. We could build a beautiful future together. We bring peace to the world, and we all make money. It’s a win-win.
And you know what? I think he liked it. He told me he liked it. He’s a great guy. We have a great relationship.
He’s still playing a little hard to get, though, but I got his number. He’ll de-nuke in the end. And I’m talking CVID—complete, verified, and irreversible denuclearization. But he’ll do it. He looked me in the eye and promised me he’d do it. And I believe him. He’ll start as soon as he gets back to Pyongyang. I told George Stephanopolous, “It takes a period of time. Some say 15 years, if you go rapidly. But when you’re in the process of doing it, you’re really dismantling, in other words, you can’t do anything during that period of time. But they have a process for getting rid of nukes that does take, it’s not like, oh gee, we’ll get rid of them tomorrow. It just can’t be done scientifically. But they’re gonna do it. They’re gonna start immediately. They really already started. They blew up a site, which was the real deal site that was their big site, they’ve blown it up. They’re getting rid of things that haven’t been mentioned in the document, they’re getting rid of certain missile areas and they’re not going to be sending missiles up.”
So I gave up the war games in South Korea. So what? They were too provocative anyway. And expensive. So you know, not only did I save the US billions of dollars, I also saved the world. Everyone can sleep soundly from now on. I’ve averted a nuclear war. And I’ve made America great again. What did Obama do? Nothing.
So what if Chairman Kim doesn’t have a great human rights record? I mean, he’s a talented guy. Think about it, he took over when he was 26 and he’s doing okay. He loves his people. And yeah, he’s had to be tough, but that’s the way it is. He may be a dictator but so what? Even we’ve done bad things in the United States. Look what we’re doing to the child refugees when we take them away from their parents. My base doesn’t care. And we’re winning. Maybe I’ll just send Melania over to Pyongyang to teach them to #BeBest. That should do the trick.
I can’t wait to tell Vlad all about Chairman Kim. Maybe I should call Rodrigo Duterte and my good friend Erdogan and we form our own league of greatness. Call it the GG-5. The Great Group of Five. Because we will Make the World Great Again.
Oh and by the way, Diary, Chairman Kim is a terrific, terrific guy, and the time we had together was really intense. And we have a great relationship. Remember all that heated rhetoric a year ago? We were just having fun. I told you, he’s a funny guy. And anyway, that’s all in the past. It brought him to the table. We have the future to look forward to now. A nuclear-free future and Trump condos in North Korea.
Oh, and by the way, my buttons are still bigger than his.
Donald J. Trump
B. Wiser is the author of Making Love in Spanish, a novel published by Anvil Publishing and available in National Book Store and Powerbooks, as well as online. When not assuming her Sasha Fierce alter-ego, she takes on the role of serious journalist and media consultant.
For comments and questions, e-mail email@example.com.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Preen.ph, or any other entity of the Inquirer Group of Companies.
Collage by Marian Hukom
Today in the constant battle of Donald J. Trump vs. the world
What to do when a married President hits on you
The pettiness of men and where their competitive nature takes them
How to be a man in the world of Donald Trump, Emmanuel Macron, and Rodrigo Duterte?